Andy Pettitte, who has been out since mid July with a strained groin, said Sunday that he might be ready to return in two weeks.

"This is great news." said Ernie Spankberg, the rumored strengthening and conditioning coach. "Andy has been working out with the Shake Weight to build up his strength. Since he hasn't been able to run much, we wanted to make sure he was still getting his cardio in." He said.

Where did you get the idea of using the Shake Weight , we asked...

"I was up late one night watching one of my stories and all of a sudden this commercial pops up of some babe using the Shake Weight." he explained. "I thought this would be perfect. It looked like a normal, non-embarrassing, fun product and it appeared to work very well in the commercial. I know Andy needed some cardio, so it only made complete sense."

Pettitte threw a 35 pitch bullpen session Sunday and said it's the best he's felt on the mound since going on the DL. I'm sure it did.

"I feel good,'' Pettitte said. "My arm bounced back big-time today. It was a good day. If I was going to grade it (on a 1 to 10 scale), I'd say my arm felt like a 9 today.''

His arm bounced back that fast? Hmmm. Could it have been from the intense work out of the Shake Weight?

"Of course." said Ernie. "What else could could have gotten him back so fast?" If you are curious to see how this exercise gadget works, (See Here)

Yankees manager Joe Girardi also seemed happy, and agreed that Pettitte could return in two weeks.

"We're going to have to maybe build him up here a little bit,'' Girardi said, noting that the minor-league season ends in a week. "There might come a point where it's hard to find games for him to pitch in except up here. This might be the only game in town.''

This product has become so popular that Berkman and Aceves each took one home.

We didn't want to get the details.

Bronx Goblin is teaming up with (Shatterproof Clothing) to host the 2nd Annual Bar night at Finnerty's in NYC.

You can RSVP at (RSVP HERE)

We listened in closely to Girardi's response to the potential Cub's managerial position and we weren't buying his answers. Read Girardi's response to the Chicago newspaper's claim that he is the man for the Cub's manager job.

“I didn’t read it,” Girardi said. “I’m a Sudoku guy.”

"There are people in this organization who have done a lot more for this organization than I have who don't have contracts. We're not worried about it for next year. I'm worried about right now."

Wow, great way to handle those questions Joe. You sounded great, but we ran your press conference by our newly hired "Bull Crap" translator Sammy Speechmin and he has a different take on your answers.

See what he has to say.

Girardi's answers translated into their meaning by Sammy Speechmin:

"Did I read the Chicago paper? F-Yea. How cool is that. I already pretty much have a job offer in my home town. It's freaking awesome."

"Mo and Jeet's have been with the Yankees for a long time and they are freaking out too. Show us the money. What is the big deal? We want job security."

More on Girardi

(Buy Silly Bandz Here)

In game one of the series between the Yankees and White Sox, AJ Burnett was pitching like he just got finished getting a manicure. (This isn't the first time AJ has gotten a manicure See Here)

With his pitch count in the first inning approaching the upper 90's, we caught a very suspicious Dave Eiland on the dugout phone. We had a gut feeling that he wasn't actually calling the bullpen, but it seemed as if he was calling someone else.

But who? We know all of his friends are usually at the roller skating rink on Friday nights, so who could it be?

Well... luckily for you, it just so happens that we got the tape of the whole conversation.

With all hands on deck, we managed to tap into the dugout phone system using Google's new online phone feature.

Here is what we heard.

Pizza Guy: Thank you for calling Comiskey Carl's Cheesy Pizza Shop, how can I help you?

Dave E.: Yea, keep it quiet over there Carl and get me Cheesy special with a side of ranch dressing and one of those Peach Snapple's.

Pizza Guy: Sir, your going to have to speak up. Ok, so you want one Cheesy Pepperoni and whip cream pizza with sprinkles and you want it delivered to a ranch where someone is undressing wearing apple bottom jeans?

Dave E.: No you pimple faced teenage doofus. I want a Cheesy special and just get me a coke.

Pizza Guy: Sir we only sell pizza here. I don't suggest you start doing drugs like coke, that is very very bad. And sir, the insults aren't going to get you anywhere.

Dave E.: Just bring me a freaking pizza. I will be behind the dugout in the clubhouse.

Pizza Guy: Ok, so you want to get freaky with a pizza and you want me to meet you behind the dugout? Sir I'm going to hang up.

Dave E.: No you fool!!! I will send someone up there.

Our very own spy squirrel Richard, was able to get these two pictures of Eiland. It's solid proof that Dave indeed was on the phone ordering a pizza and not calling the bullpen.

Apparently right before these pictures were taken, Richard squeaked out "say cheese!"

This past week, a statue of baseball commissioner Bud Selig was set up at Miller Park, home of the Milwaukee Brewers. In the words of Seinfeld, it’s a “sculpture of limitations”. Aside from Selig being the worst commissioner in the history of the universe (see all star game fiasco’s, steroid era, inflated salary, interleague play, lack of PED testing, game 5 of the 2008 world series etc) this appears to be on some levels a conflict of interest.

We questioned the 29 other owners. All refused to be identified (even though its public knowledge who owns which team) here were some of the common responses: Ridiculous! Outrageous! Insane! Downright wrong! Peach Cobbler!

Selig couldn’t be reached for comment, so we found someone that was waiting for a bus outside his office. “Mr. Selig or ‘the commish’ as I like to call him, is very humbled by this event. He knows almost every single person in the entire world despises him, so to have a statue erected in his honor…” the man blushed and started giggled. “Did you hear me? I said…erected…”

We’ve neither confirmed nor denied reports that Pete Rose was seen lurking around Miller Park with a can of spray-paint and a fake mustache.

Original reports leaked from MLB showed that Selig was “pleased” but “a little disappointed”. He apparently thought the statue was to be much larger, and standing in New York Harbor next to Lady Liberty. Selig’s office has emphatically stated that the statue shows no conflict of interest whatsoever.

In a completely unrelated story, Bronx Goblin has learned that starting in the 2011 season, baseball will adopt what it has termed “The Brewer rule” , in which the Brewers are automatically guaranteed a playoff berth every single season regardless of their record.

(More on Selig Statue)

Friday
NYY: Burnett (9-11, 4.80 ERA)
CHW: Garcia (10-5, 5.08 ERA)

Saturday
NYY: Sabathia (17-5, 3.02 ERA)
CHW: Danks (12-8, 3.31 ERA)

Sunday
NYY: Nova (0-0, 2.16 ERA)
CHW: Floyd (9-10, 3.91 ERA))

(Buy Silly Bandz Here)

For the second consecutive night, a baseball superstar player was ejected from the game for no reason at all by a minor league umpire, filling in for a vacationing major league umpire (Apparently being on vacation from October to April just isn’t enough).

Tuesday night, Philadelphia Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard was ejected by third base umpire Scott Barry for tossing his bat after striking out. Earlier on in the at bat, Barry had ruled Howard didn’t check his swing on a ball and proceeded to mock Howard by actually imitating his “hands-on-the-hips” pose. This came in the 14th inning of a marathon game. The Phillies were forced to put starting pitched Roy Oswalt in left field for the rest of the game and eventually lost. This same Scott Barry ejected Nationals 3B Ryan Zimmerman a few weeks ago for looking at him cross-eyed after striking out. It was Zimemrman’s first and only major league ejection.

Last night, a similar occurrence happened in Boston. Red Sock Adrian Beltre was ejected by umpire Dan Bellino, half an inning AFTER he struck out. Beltre and Howard are well known as quiet and respectable players.

Everyone remembers earlier in the year, when Joe West flapped his gums about games taking too long (Joe West incident)

That was followed by the notorious Jim Joyce faux-pas, when an obvious blown call cost Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game. Oopsie!

So what’s up with the umps this year? Many theories are abound. We’ve enlisted the help of a former beer softball league umpire, Half-Keg Jones, to get his deep professional insight on the situation.

What’s up with umps needing vacations during pennant race games with 6 weeks left in the season?

“Look pal, Baseball umps have a highly stressful job. Sure they make half a million a year watching baseball games but come on. It takes serious skill to get half the calls right. “

So like small town cops they find the need to bust balls and exert their limited authority whenever they get the chance?

“Look buddy, Baseball umps have a slight Napoleonic complex. They didn’t get the girls in high school. They didn’t get to be on the cover of the magazines in college. They don’t get to play the games now.”

We see it as this. Baseball umps think, for some strange reason, that they’re bigger than the game. They seem to not realize that hard working people aren’t spending hundreds of dollars on tickets and the like to watch them.

“Look mac, watch your tone with me.”

Highly stressful, big egos, power trips. So which is it?

“Incorrectomongo on both those count.”

You mean all three?

“Whatever. Numbers were never my strong suit. Neither was counting. The real reason can be summed up with one word. Costumes. Specifically, Halloween costumes. You see, Halloween is fast approaching. Every year, Umpires get shut out of the top costume spots. Usually Vampires are all the rage. But not this year. We need recognition so that the number one trick or treater getup in 2010 is that of the MLB Umpire!”

Sounds like a good enough explanation to us.

What did the Yankees do after a game in Toronto?

They went and saw Canada's very own home grown hero... Sir Bryan Adams.

The mini field trip began with Ramiro Pena, Nick Swisher, Robbie Cano and Brett Gardner screaming like girls, while hanging out of the limo sunroof.

We wanted to get their review of the show, but settled for an unreliable stranger's version instead. This source couldn't even confirm that it was the Yankees players, but he did see people at the concert, so who else could they be? We can only assume this is how the conversation went.

"It cut's like a knife baby." said Swish "You can't get much better than that." When asked what his favorite tune was "Ah don't do that to me man. They are all good... all good. We're just trying to do our best man."

But could it get better?

"I prefer country music myself" said Gardner who was wearing a pair of overalls, farmer boots, a plaid shirt to keep warm all while chewing on a piece of straw. "He has a lot of slow songs and I am too fast to dance slow, so it doesn't really work out to well." This makes sense as Gardner is one of the league leaders with 35 stolen bases.

Ramiro Pena was hoping for a Katy Perry cover song, but never got to hear it. He didn't know a single tune and got carded at the beer tent. "Awe... shucks" he said.

Robinson Cano was absolutely beside himself. He acted as if he was still hanging out with Melky Cabrera at a city club. When asked what he thought of the show Robbie replied "I like it you know. Just like the baseball you know. Standing on your momma's porch you know."

We are happy to bring this semi news to you your computers.

Next stop is Ozzie and the Sox.

(Buy Silly Bandz Here)

We wanted to give you a quick update on the injury report for the Yankees.

Now.... we will turn it over to our expert Dr. Jack Kass. Well, he isn't a "real" Dr. per-say, but he does play one on the hit TV serious "Dr. Outer Space, the Medicine Awesome Guy"

If you haven't seen this show yet, make sure you do. Cable companies are airing it at 2:30 AM on Channel 432.

The show itself is set in outer space and is about a Dr.'s will to save lives by inventing medicine from things he finds around his apartment, like Doritos's, twisty ties, Ramon Noodles and old magazines. It also focuses on his continuous battle with the FDA, who is always looking to rain on his parade, but can't find him in outer space. It's a smart, funny, and a compassionate thrill ride from start to finish and has received a 1/3 of a star from a top critic.

anyway... back to Dr. Jack Kass's recommendations for a quicker return.

Lance Berkman: He is currently out with an ankle injury. "I recommend that he start running right away. Up hills, over hot coals, through broken glass... I don't give a damn. As long as he is running. I think he should also do some hurdles while wearing ice skates.. It will heal much faster." Said Kass

Arod: Is currently Calf injury. "I recommend some rock climbing to start followed by 4 hours of intense jumping on a balance beam blind folded. Your welcome." Said Kass

Nick Johnson: "Not sure there is anything we can do with him. I have never seen him not injured, so I couldn't even attempt to suggest anything. What do they do with horses that have broken legs? Glue?"

Pettitte: Currently has a pulled groin injury: "This one is easy.. Go down to the bar, hop on a mechanical bull after slamming 8 shots of Jager. Good as new."

Dr. Kass has a very busy schedule filming his new hit series, but we hope to get his updates again soon.

Something tells me he will have some time on his hands very soon.

(Buy Silly Bandz Here)

It's that time again folks. Put down your Pens, ignore your boss and let's get into some Balboni Brain Teaser Trivia. Good Luck.

What # did Don Mattingly wear when he first came up to the Majors?

The answers will be in the comments section later today, if someone puts it there or we will post it.

Want more trivia? Check out previous trivia questions that were on our blog.

(Trivia Question #1)
(Trivia Question #2)
(Trivia Question #3)
(Trivia Question #4)

(Buy Silly Bandz Here)